The second transplant was, overall, more successful than the first. My cornea remained clear for six months, and I did not experience vision loss at all during the first year. However, the transplant was eventually pronounced as another failure; and the doctor advised against more attempts because of the high risk of failure. He informed me of some research that was being done on artificial corneas, stating that he felt I would be a good candidate for one of the procedures, and discussed pros and cons of various types with me. I left disappointed but feeling that I had been treated with respect and that the doctor was not simply refusing to provide treatment.
I now live with the gray curtain on most days. I can see some objects and colors when they are very near; but my clouded cornea causes everything to appear hazy. Small things make me sad. For example, I discovered in July, 2003, that I can no longer see fireworks from the average public display. I missed the pretty bursts of light, and I became frustrated when my family became so engrossed in the display that they did not hear me talking to them.
On the other hand, I am much more satisfied with my life now than I was following surgery in 1998. My journey freed me to take steps to make changes in my life that would improve my personal satisfaction. In 2002, I moved to Florida to live with a friend and work as an independent contractor providing technical writing services for a manufacturer of adaptive technology. The work was not steady, and I eventually returned to Indiana to live, but I acknowledged the fact that I enjoy writing very much and would like to devote energy to it on a full-time basis. I then began to give myself permission to stop looking for a mainstream job and accept a lifestyle that was less predictable financially than most.
I also began taking steps to manage my other medical conditions naturally. I began taking herbal formulas and nutritional supplements, and I learned to work with essential oils. I am much healthier now than I was in 1998. The fact that the improvements in my health are the results of my independent efforts buoys my confidence in a way that very few things have ever done.
Learning to work with essential oils also gave rise to a new hobby: making my own cosmetics and household cleaners. Cosmetic had never interested me--I thought beauty and skin care was all visual. I've learned that making my own cosmetics is an art that I can succeed at not just in spite of blindness but because of it. Many cosmetics are attractive because of their scent and texture. These are areas of creation where I can excel, and I have discovered that crafts are things I can enjoy.
My spiritual life has also improved greatly because of my experiences. My vision loss prompted me to think deeply about the roles of faith and prayer in my relationship with God.
People of many faiths perceive the world to be hanging in a balance between good and evil. The task for us who live in the world is to use our faith to both accomplish good and obtain the reward of blessing. For the Christian, the ultimate blessing is eternal life in a heaven where there is no imperfection. This reward is obtained through faith in Jesus Christ, evidenced by a life which displays certain characteristics. When we believe in Jesus, certain things will follow. Faith is not a matter of our trying hard enough or doing the right things to show that we believe in Him. It is a matter of our belief being such a part of us that it affects the things we do.
As I began to explore what blindness meant to me and to accept the possibility that my vision might not return, I struggled with guilt about asking God for healing. I ask my earthly friends and relatives for many things--and I don't always get what I want. I never assume this to mean that my friends and relatives do not love me. Why should I assume this of God? No, it is not true that I may not ask for the blessing of continued healing just because I am willing to accept whatever the answer must be.
What, then, does my prayer accomplish? It doesn't change God. Only God makes up His mind. He may hear them and act in response, but ultimately what He does is His decision. My prayers are simply like the cry of a child in the presence of a Father.
Crying is cleansing. Often when a person is feeling depressed, crying will lead to a better mood. Even if nothing is done about the cause of the depression, feelings have been expressed. Prayer should accomplish the same thing. It should bring about a feeling of peace in knowing that feelings have been expressed and that regardless of the outcome they were heard.
My prayers do not always accomplish this. This probably has to do with my odd perception that if God heard my prayer He would answer it in the way I think it should be answered. Otherwise, how do I know He heard? How do I know He even exists?
But this is depending on things that can be seen. It is not faith. Life as a Christian involves faith: the evidence of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). Like the fleece, faith must not be attempted foolishly. Faith is not something which can manipulate. Faith is a response to the truth. If God did not say it, then I cannot have faith in it. How do I know He said it? By reading His Word. That is the only way I can know. I cannot rely on what intuition tells me or what another person says God told them. If it was God speaking, then what was said will be confirmed by His written Word. If it is not, then the speaker was not Him, and my placement of faith in what was said puts me in a very precarious position. At the least, it can result in sore disappointment. At the most, it is what cults are made of.
Some people equate "positive thoughts" with prayer. I have always been bothered by this comparison. But what is the difference between a positive thought and a prayer, and why does that difference matter? The difference is that prayer is communication with God. And it matters because God is so much more than an idea or force that can be explained away by science. If the purpose of my life was just to escape the firy pit of hell, I could be content with whatever little work would accomplish that purpose. But living that way, I would just go through life wondering if I will ever really achieve the goal.
So what is the purpose of my life? And is it achievable? I was created for communion with God! I was created to make Him happy! Not by just being good. By relating personally to Him! How do I know this? I was created in His likeness, and this is the very thing I want from other people in my life. I want to pour out myself to them, and I want them to pour out in return. I want us to be nourished by the exchange of fellowship. How do we do that? By listening and communicating to each other. By touching each other. By acting to bring about some kind of change in each other's lives. God is a living, active, intelligent, emotional being. He is knowable and approachable, and He has things in common with me! Yes, there are ways that He is unknowable, and that's what makes Him God, but He is not distant and I am not a mere puppet. I am His child!
God promises to give sight to the blind. This particular promise always accompanies other promises, namely the promise of freedom from spiritual slavery. To understand these promises as they are meant to be understood, I need to realize that they are metaphors. Without believing in and applying God's truth to my life, I am left to find my own path through this life. I will do things which harm myself or others whether I intended this or not. I am alienated from my Creator by my ignorance. This state is called sin. There is no way out of it without understanding God's truth. I am in a virtual prison, and I am wandering about in the virtual fog--just as I would be doing physically if it were not for the efforts of others to orient me to the environment and explain which route I need to take to get to a certain place.
My mishaps--my sins--cause pain to my Creator. Following His instructions frees me from the virtual prison and sets me on a path toward Him. That set of instructions is called the Law.
The problem with laws is that there are two sides to them. There is the letter of the law, and there is the spirit of the law. Anyone who has tackled the issue of civil rights will be the first to explain this. Attitudes cannot be legislated, but attitude is the very thing which results in the right actions. The letter of the law can be followed at a minimum standard. It can also be twisted to justify actions or lack of actions which are not in line with the spirit of the law. The spirit of the spiritual Law is to draw us closer to God. The letter is to make us perfect--and the letter is often the focus rather than the spirit. People use it to condemn and place division between one another. This is totally against the spirit of the law.
God solved this problem by providing a sacrifice on our behalf-- Jesus. If the point of the law was to make us pure and thus bring us into virtual freedom and light, there needed to be a way to accomplish this which could not result in legalism and judgmentalism--just another kind of imprisonment. So God placed the essence of His being in a human form--Jesus--and walked among us, eventually dying a spiritually sacrificial death, spending a time in the place of separation from God which we call hell, and finally passing through earth in a physical resurrection from death and returning to heaven. While he was here on earth, Jesus went about living according to the spirit of the law. If I believe in him and accept his death as proof of his love for God's creation, then I can also accept his life as a model of the way to God. Reading about his life and teachings, I begin to understand the spirit of the law.
God is the Creator of all things. His soul purpose is to draw His creation close to Himself, to express His love and to be loved in return. I cannot recognize the expressions of His love if I am separated from Him by sin. Therefore, the paramount concern in the Bible is bringing us, the created, close to the Creator--bringing us out of our prison and darkness and into His light. This is the truth which lies behind those promises. The healings which Jesus performed were performed out of compassion, but more importantly they were performed to provide an opening for the understanding of a metaphor or, sometimes, to demonstrate that Jesus had authority to say certain things.
Physical imperfection is not a barrier to a full spiritual life. It is a part of living on this earth, which is tainted by sin and the effects of sin. The only place where I can expect to live without pain of some kind is heaven--God's home--and I get there by being accepted on the basis of my demonstration of love for Him. I keep myself out by acting as if I don't care to be there, demonstrating that I prefer to wander around in the darkness of separation from Him.
Commitment to following Christ's example is an ongoing thing. It's not a one- time action which results in an automatic change of my behavior. It is a one-time decision which results in an ongoing effort on my part. If I decided to follow a person to a destination, that decision would require me to get up and walk with him. Otherwise, I would lose site of him and find myself wandering about aimlessly, not knowing how to get to the destination. Reaching my spiritual destination is no different. Jesus is "the way". His life guides people into God's presence by serving as a model. If I don't get familiar with his life and put the lessons it teaches into practice, then I am merely paying lip service to my commitment--and that won't get me to my destination.
What kind of God would want me to be blind? A Father who wants me to know Him deeply and understand His ways, even when I don't necessarily like them very much! A Father who is ready to pour out blessing on me if I will only trust Him!
| Previous | contents | Next |